Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
