the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Are we still banned from the library?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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