my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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