he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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