We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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