with your own penis?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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