if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
