based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
