At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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