I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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