She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I love having hate sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
