vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
