it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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