Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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