Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
