Yo dont text me then not text me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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