WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
