mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
