He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
