I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
