I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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