Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
