you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
