My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
