dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
