That's when you crack a 10am beer
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize