I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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