I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
