i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
