I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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