I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
