I didn't shave. On purpose
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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