believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
