She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize