I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
