I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
