I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She bit a glass in half.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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