Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
