My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
