i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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