rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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