Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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