At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My bed smells like the plague
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
