Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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