I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
