Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
