My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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