he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
