i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I could fuck to npr.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
