Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
