i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
