it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize