Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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