one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
