I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
