Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
