I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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