I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
