he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
