This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
