My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
